Hot Dog Dib
by Chris T. Brodie
Summary: Invader Zim hatches a plan to get rid of pesky Dib by turing him into a dog and selling him for "Hot dog" meat! Rated PG for mild language and some innuendos.


"Hot Dog Dib"  
  
  
SCENE 1: Zim's house. GIR has just wandered into the living room in, eating a footlong chilidog. ZIM is watching cartoons on TV. GIR climbs up on the couch, dripping steamy brown chili on it. ZIM turns to scold him.  
  
ZIM: Gir! How many times have I told you not to drip crud all over the couch! I don't want it to look like some filthy human's couch with all sorts of foodstains on it!  
  
GIR:(looking abashed) Sorry, sir.  
  
ZIM sniffs the air.   
  
ZIM: What is that, Gir? I've never seen you eat one of those before! Is it some sort of taquito in a bun?   
  
GIR: I dunno. The human who sold it to me called it a "hot-dog".   
  
ZIM: A hot-dog?   
  
GIR: Yeah. Must be made from dogs or something.  
  
ZIM: I thought these humans kept dogs as pets! Why would they butcher their furry companions, process their carcasses and grind them into links? It doesn't make any sense!   
  
GIR: Mmmm! Taste's good though! (He takes a bite of his footlong.)  
  
  
ZIM gets off the couch and goes down to his secret lair. He parks himself in front of the computer.   
  
  
ZIM: Computer, retrieve data on the following subject...hot dogs.   
  
COMPUTER hums and beeps.   
  
  
COMP.: No data on 'hot dogs' available at this time, Zim.   
  
  
ZIM: Oh, come on! There's gotta be some information on this grotesque human delicacy!   
  
  
COMP.: My guess is that these things are processed from dogs. Why else would they call them hot dogs?   
  
  
ZIM: (jumps up in his chair) Precisely! And if this is true, then perhaps I can use this knowledge in my quest to conquer Earth! (laughs maniacally until COMPUTER sounds off the Intruder Alert alarm)  
  
ZIM: Who is it?  
  
  
ZIM returns to the upper level of his house from his lair to see DIB rifling through a small stack of Irken magazines and papers next to the couch.   
  
ZIM: You again?   
  
DIB: (looks up, startled from Zim's yell) Oh, crap!   
  
DIB scoops up the stack and runs for the front door.  
  
ZIM: Gir! Stop him!   
  
GIR drops his lunch and runs after Dib. He pounces on him and begins tickling him. DIB drops the papers and giggles hysterically.   
  
DIB: Hey, heeheehee! If you...(giggle) stop tickling me, I'll (snicker) give you a dollar!  
  
GIR ceases immediately.  
  
GIR:What can I do with a dollar?  
  
DIB:(fishes a wrinkled bill from his trenchcoat pocket) Well, you can buy more goodies wth it! Like hot dogs, Brainfreezies, and more junk that will rot your robot entrails!  
  
GIR: Deal! (takes the bill and opens the door for DIB)  
  
DIB runs out the door and off into the distance.  
  
  
ZIM: Gir!  
  
GIR: Yes, master Zim?  
  
  
ZIM: You let him escape, you fool! How could you obey that slimy human instead of your own master?   
  
GIR:(looks down in shame) I'm sorry, Zim. (Looks up and smiles at ZIM) Come on! I'll buy you a hot dog! My treat!  
  
  
ZIM: Like that's gonna make up for your insubordination! I oughta process YOU into a hot dog, Gir!  
  
  
GIR: (screams) No, master! Anything but that!  
  
Suddenly, ZIM stops dead in his tracks. A lightbulb appears above his head and lights up.  
  
  
ZIM:(snaps fingers) That's it!  
  
GIR crouches into a ball on the floor and covers his head.  
  
GIR: No, master!  
  
  
ZIM: Oh, I'm not gonna process you into a hot dog, Gir.  
  
GIR rises and jumps for joy waving his arms.  
  
GIR: Yay!  
  
  
ZIM: We're gonna turn old Dib into a hot dog! With that pain in the butt outta the way, victory will be mine!   
  
  
GIR: How are you gonna do that?  
  
  
ZIM: Gir, where does hot dog meat come from?   
  
GIR: Um....pigeons?  
  
ZIM: No, you fool! Hot dogs come from dogs! So I'm gonna find a way to turn Dib into a pooch and then we'll sell him to the butcher for hot dog meat!  
  
GIR:OOOohhh!  
  
  
ZIM: And Gir, with the money we make off Dib, you can buy a whole lot more chocolate bubblegum brainfreezies and taquitos than with that one measly dollar Dib gave you!  
  
  
GIR dances excitedly.   
  
  
ZIM: First, I need some canine DNA to create a formula to alter Dib's human genes.   
  
  
NEXT SCENE: ZIM's front yard. GIR is dressed up in his green dogsuit and equipped with a sryinge in one hand. ZIM is standing behind him.  
  
  
ZIM: Now when you see a dog wander by, just gather a blood sample in the needle.  
  
GIR nods.  
  
  
A small gray and white Siberian Husky pup wanders by Zim's house. GIR walks up to it. The PUP stops sniffing the sidewalk and stares back. GIR sniffs the PUP's face. The PUP barks and sniffs GIR's butt. Then GIR sniff's the PUP's rear.   
  
ZIM:(exhasperated) Oh, for the love of God!  
  
ZIM grabs the needle from GIR and takes the blood sample from the PUP. The PUP yelps and runs away.   
  
ZIM: Come on, Gir! We have precious little time to make the formula!  
  
  
NEXT SCENE: DIB's house, in the living room. DIB and GAZ are sitting on the couch in front of the TV. GAZ is really into her Gameslave, while DIB is watching an old X-Files rerun. Meanwhile, ZIM is spying on them through the living room window.   
  
GAZ:Dib, go get me some Kool-Aid!  
  
DIB: Get it yourself, Gaz! This is the best part!   
  
GAZ: I'm only 3 levels away from beating this game! And you've seen this stupid episode about a hundred times! You even have it recorded on video!   
  
DIB: (throws up hands in the air in exhasperation) Fine!   
  
  
DIB enters the kitchen and pulls a large pitcher with a smiley face on the side from the fridge. He pours cherry red Kool Aid into two glasses. But while his back is turned to get some ice cubes, ZIM peeks in through the small kitchen window. He takes a small pill from his hand, plaes it in a straw and blows it into the kitchen. The pill lands right in one of the glasses. ZIM vanishes. DIB puts the ice in the drinks and heads back to the living room. He places GAZ's glass on the coffee table, and sits down with his glass in his hand. He takes a drink.  
  
  
DIB: Mmmm. This one had a lot of sugar in it! (He drinks it all.)  
  
  
GAZ: Shut up, Dib!  
  
There's a tap at the window, and DIB turns to see ZIM waving at him. DIB leaps off the couch and runs for the door.   
  
DIB: Gaz! Zim's at the window and he's spying on us!  
  
GAZ: What, did you forget to give him your phone number?  
  
DIB runs outside. ZIM and GIR (in his dog suit) are standing in the front yard.  
  
DIB: Get the hell out of here, Zim! And take your abnormally retarded robot too!   
  
ZIM: (smirks) You really shouldn't make fun of my SIR unit, Dib. Karma will come around and bite you in the butt!   
  
DIB: Don't you give me any lip about Karma, you red-eyed, green haired space midget!   
  
Before DIB can say anything else, he begins to feel sick. He drops to the ground and rolls in pain.  
  
DIB: I feel sick.  
  
DIB feels his ears buzz and when he reaches up to feel them, he notices that they feel longer and furry.   
  
DIB: What the...!?  
  
He hold up his hands and watched in a mix of horror and fascination as little white hairs poke their way through his pores. His palms are becoming hard and calloused like paw pads. DIB groans in pain as his face extends into a canine snout. DIB reached out to feel his nose, which has become black, cold and wet. More white fur continues to crop up on his face and body. Then he feels his coccyx expand into a long tail covered in white fur.  
  
DIB: Oh, my sweet God! Zim you son of a bi....(Dib loses his voice and begins barking).  
  
ZIM whips out a mirror for DIB to see his new self. DIB looks in horror at what he has become: A small white puppy with long black ears and a big black spot on his back.   
  
ZIM: Victory is mine, Dib! Now to sell you to the butcher!  
  
GIR hands ZIM a red leash and collar which he places around DIB's neck. DIB begins to bark, making GAZ come out of the house.   
  
GAZ: Zim! Shut that dumb dog up! I'm almost going to beat my game!   
  
DIB turns toward his sister and barks at her. Basically, the translation is, "Gaz! It's me, Dib! Zim turned me into a dog! Gaz!"  
  
GAZ: Shut up! (she grabs the hose and squirts Dib with it.)  
  
DIB whines.  
  
GAZ: Now get out of here! And if you see Dib, tell him that he needs to be home soon! (slams the door shut after going inside)  
  
ZIM tugs at the leash, but DIB shakes himself to get the water off his coat soaking ZIM in the process.  
  
ZIM: Ewww. (sniffs) Jeez, you stink too, Dib.   
  
GIR is amused with DIB's shaking, so he gives it a try to.  
  
GIR:(sings) I see you baby! Shakin' that...  
  
ZIM: Stop it! Both of you!   
  
He yanks on the leash, pulling DIB away.   
  
NEXT SCENE: Downtown. ZIM, GIR and DIB are walking down the street, looking for the butcher shop. when they finally arrive at Horace Meats, ZIM sees a big sign in the window that says, "No pets allowed."  
  
ZIM: Well maybe I'll take you in through the back, Dib. But let me see how much this guy will pay me for your hide! Gir!  
  
GIR: Yes, my lord!  
  
ZIM: Watch out little furry friend here! DO NOT let him escape, or else!   
  
GIR nods and sits next to DIB as ZIM ties the leash to a fire hydrant. ZIM walks inside the butcher shop. DIB tries to pull free of the leash while GIR stares at a red ant on the sidewalk. Just then, DIB sees a gray tabby cat approaching. He growls at the cat and leaps in it's direction with enough force to rip himself free from the leash. DIB runs after the screeching cat, barking at it. GIR sees whats happened, and runs after DIB. The cat manages to jump into a dumpster in an alley. DIB sniffs around the alley looking for the cat.  
  
DIB: Wait a minute! What am I doing!? I'm free from Zim's clutches!  
  
He runs out of the alley and down the sidewalk.  
  
DIB: Gotta get home...Dad can fix me!   
  
Suddenly, a big net swoops over his head and lands on him. DIB is scooped up and tossed into a cage in the DOGCATCHER's van.   
  
DIB: Can this get any worse?  
  
GIR: Yoohoo! Dib!  
  
DIB turns to see GIR sitting right next to him. GIR smiles at him, (like this ^_^) but DIB lifts his head and howls at his misfortune.  
  
  
  
BACK AT THE BUTCHER SHOP...  
  
ZIM stalks out of the shop, looking infuriated.   
  
ZIM: Well now I know where hot dog meat REALLY comes from! (looks around) Hey, where's Dib? Gir?  
  
He runs down the sidewalk looking for DIB and GIR. He stops at a comic shop with a table set up in the front of the store. A tall gentleman is sitting at the table, signing his name on some comics. He's wearing big black boots, a black trenchcoat, oval shaped glasses and his hair is short and bright red. ZIM approached him.  
  
ZIM: You! Have you seen two dogs around here?  
  
GUY: Yeah, man. I just saw the dogcatcher haul away a couple of puppies. One of them was a funny looking green one. The other one was wearing a pair of round glasses.   
  
ZIM: And where would I find this dogcatcher?  
  
Guy: You need to go to the pound. It's over on Elm street near the Waste Disposal plant. you can't miss it.  
  
ZIM: Thank you!   
  
ZIM runs off. The GUY grins.   
  
GUY: Weird kid.   
  
  
NEXT SCENE: THe dog pound. DIB and GIR are sharing a kennel in a large room filled with other dogs in kennels. GIR is making faces in the dirty stainless steel water bowl, but DIB is laying in the corner of his cell, curled up into a ball.   
  
DIB: Well, Zim turns me into a dog, tries to sell me to the guy at Horace Meats for knockwurst meat, I get nabbed by animal control and end up with the Forrest Gump of all robots as my cell mate. (looks at GIR) No offense, GIR.  
  
GIR: None taken, Dib!  
  
DIB: Could this day get any worse?   
  
Just then, a MAN and his daughter enter the kennel room. DIB rises from his spot in the corner and pads up to the door of his cage.   
  
MAN: Now just pick any dog you like, sweetie.  
  
The GIRL peruses the cages. When she comes to DIB and GIR's cage, DIB gives her the sweet puppy-eyed look and wags his tail.  
  
MAN: That white one looks sweet.   
  
But the GIRL passes DIB and goes on until she stops at a kennel holding a really creepy looking chihuahua.   
  
GIRL: Oooh, I like this one, Daddy!  
  
MAN: We'll tell the clerk at the counter.  
  
GIRL: But I wanna take him home, now!  
  
MAN: Sorry, but they need to keep him here for a few days.   
  
GIRL: why?  
  
MAN: Well he's gonna need his shots, and they also need to "fix" him.  
  
The man and girl walk out of the kennel room. GIR jumps for joy.  
  
GIR: They'll fix you, Dib! The man said they'll fix you!   
  
DIB: No, Gir when he said 'fix' he didn't mean that they can turn me back into a kid again.   
  
GIR:Then what did they mean?  
  
DIB grabs GIR by the ear and whispers something into it. GIR's eyes widen in fear.  
  
GIR: I had no idea.  
  
DIB: We gotta get the hell outta here!  
  
GIR: Ok. Stand back!  
  
GIR raises his feet and blasts his jet flames at the brick wall in the back of the kennel. A big steaming hole reveals the outside of the shelter.  
  
GIR: Fire in th' hole!  
  
DIB: Yes!  
  
Both of them run out of the kennel and escape into the streets.   
  
  
1 HOUR LATER.....  
  
  
Next SCENE: ZIM's house. ZIM is standing next to the phone.  
  
ZIM: I can't believe Dib used my SIR unit to escape! When I get through with him...  
  
Suddenly, the door bursts open and GIR and DIB run in. GIR hugs ZIM, but is thrown off immediately.   
  
ZIM: You should have let him rot in the pound, Gir! However, you did manage to bring him to me, so I'll forgive you for your error just this once!   
  
ZIM reaches out to snatch DIB. At first, the dog whines and cowers away, but then he stops and looks at his opponent.  
  
DIB: (thinking to himself) Hey, wait a minute! I can outpower this alien! I've got sharp teeth, and my nails are longer than usual. And what's he got? NOTHING!  
  
A low growl erupts from DIB. ZIM backs away as DIB bares his glistening teeth.  
  
ZIM: Dib?   
  
DIB roars and chases Zim into the front yard. ZIM screams and used his spider-leg backpack to climb up a tall tree. DIB slams himself against the trunk, pawing at the tree and barking loudly.  
  
ZIM: Gir! Get him off! Get him off!  
  
GIR stumbles out of the house with a dart gun in his hand. He aims at Dib and blows a dart at him. DIB yelps as the needle pierces the soft flesh on his arm. But DIB pulls the dart out with his mouth and continues to snarl and paw at the tree. Suddenly, his paws feel funny. They feel long and less furry. DIB looks as his digits expand into human fingers. His ears and tail shrink, and all of the white fur disappears from his body.   
  
DIB: (in a normal human voice) I'm a kid again! Woohoo! (looks up at ZIM in the tree) What's wrong, Zim? Were you scared of a mere earth dog?   
  
ZIM: No!   
  
DIB: Ha! High and mighty Invader Zim was chased up a tree by an earthling! And in canine form no less! You must keep your superiors in stitches, what with the way you're constantly making a fool of yourself and all.   
  
ZIM: Lies! All lies!   
  
DIB laughs and runs for his house. ZIM crawls down the tree with his spider-legs. GIR emerges from the house once again, with a mustard dog in his hand.  
  
ZIM: I'll get that Dib someday. (turns to GIR) By the way, Gir, I found out what really goes into those hot dogs!  
  
GIR: (stops eating) What?  
  
ZIM: Mostly mixed up meat parts from chickens and pigs.  
  
GIR chokes on his hot dog.  
  
GIR: Piggys!?  
  
ZIM: That's right Gir, piggy's are in your hot dog.  
  
GIR vomits up his supper and cries.  
  
GIR: Nooo! Poor piggy!  
  
LATER ON....  
  
ZIM is in bed when he hears GIR rustling outside. ZIM runs to the window and sees GIR scooping up dirt with a shovel.  
  
ZIM: Gir! Come to bed!  
  
GIR: I can't!  
  
ZIM: Why not?  
  
GIR: 'Cause I gotta give my piggy hot dog a proper burial. (he sniffs as a tear falls from his eye) I'll miss you piggy. Sorry about eating you!  
  
GIR places a small white daisy on the hot dog's "grave" before returning to the house.  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
